A Classless Society

My 16 year old son keeps getting in trouble for not making it to his first period class. I've had a hard time figuring this out but then since I'm old, I'm a little slow. I mean, he always gets to the bus on time, so presumably, the bus drops him off at school on time. But something is happening between the time the bus drops him off and the time they close the locker room door for 8 AM weight training.

He came home from school the other day with a scrape on his arm. I said, "What happened to your arm?"

He said, "I fell out of a tree. A stupid teacher yelled at me."

"Is tree climbing what you do before weight training class? Is that why you're late," I said.

He rolled his eyes and exhaled. I'm clearly hopeless.

The next day, he said he had a sore throat. I said, "is that why you can't make it to your first period class. You have to stop in the restroom for a good gargle?"

He rolled his eyes again, cleared his throat and grimaced.

The day after that he said he had a stomach ache. "Is that the problem with your first period class?" I imagined him, all doubled over, hobbling to class.

"They, they lock the door, like, the second you're late," he said.

"So get there the second before they lock the door."

The next morning, he's schlepping around the house. I know the bus is due any minute. "Maybe you better drink some coffee," I say. "So you can walk faster and get to class."

He slams the door on the way out. I'm getting a little tired of all this grouchyness first thing in the morning, so I follow him out. "It's a girl, isn't it?" Before I said it, I didn't even know I was going to. But it all comes clear. He's making out with his girlfriend between the time the bus drops him off and the time the first bell rings.

If looks could kill, I'd be on fire. Nothing but a smouldering heap of old pajamas in the driveway. He looks towards the other kids waiting at the bus stop; they get smoked too. Lucky for him he's the biggest kid on the corner, and with that stoner dude hat and the "I don't give a fuck about anything" look he's been cultivating ever since he started to grow body hair, not a one of them dares to give him any shit.

I head back into the house to get another cup of coffee.

Nailed it.